Baby Blues

I have been tormenting myself, to say the least, for the past couple of months. I have always had the deepest sympathy/empathy for women who have gone through what I am going through now. But, I have been taught that you should never feel sorry for yourself. I think that is where the tormenting has come into play. I do feel sorry for myself, then I get mad at myself for 'feeling sorry for myself'. Knowing that there are trillions of people in this world who have it way worse than I could ever even imagine. Knowing that everything happens for a reason. Knowing that I did nothing wrong. Knowing that this happens to millions of women everyday. Knowing that I have already been blessed with one miracle (Luke Matthew, of course). Sometimes you can have all the resources in the world & still can't come up with an answer. "Knowing" all these things, I still can't help the way I feel. I find myself looking at the calender, seeing how far along I would be. I feel this pain in my chest & something stuck in my throat everytime I hear someone say they are "expecting". Not that I'm not happy for them, I am. But.. I'm jealous/envious of them. That is NOT me. I had to throw away the shirt we had bought Luke that said "I'm going to be a big brother". He is still lifting up his shirts and instead of saying belly he says baby :( Someone asked me how I was feeling a couple weeks ago, I replied that I was doing good and they asked me how far along I was now. I had to get out of there as fast as I could. And there I was, just sitting in the Alco parking lot bawling. I'm not even sure if I gave them an answer. How do you answer something like that without breaking down like a crazy lady in the middle of the day?  I thought it was hard trying and trying to get pregnant for 7 months. I thought something was wrong with me, considering I was on BC and not trying when I got pregnant with Luke.  And I know it's my fault for being so public about the pregnancy. But it was my second pregnancy, the first one was picture perfect. I had been to the Doctor who said everything looked great. I was almost 9 weeks, just shy of the first trimester. I never imagined this could happen to me. But that is what you get for thinking. Travis was sad at first, but now I feel like he thinks I'm just completly nuts for not being "over it" yet. Even when I was going through "the process" he had no idea what I was going through. Which I understand, not only is he a man, he is Travis. So if you can't turn to your husband who do you turn to? Well, I don't have a sister (which would be nice to have somedays) but I do have a wonderful Mom, who has been through this. She had a miscarriage between Zachary & I but also has gone through multiple Invetro procedures and had lost 4 babies. *SEE what I mean when I KNOW that I shouldn't feel like this, look at my own Mother for crying out loud, if I were her I would just give up and die by now* I just sent her a text and asked her HOW do you do it? She replied with: Because I already had 3 beautiful babies. God bless her soul. I have such a new found respect, love, and appreciation for her than I did before. I know from experience that time does help. I just wish that time would speed itself up a little. Thank heavens for Luke. He makes every day brighter & worth living. The end of my pity party-you will never hear me whine about this ever again, I just had to get it off my cheset. It has been weighing me down & now I feel 10lbs lighter. Thank you.