Don't Wait

Where to start....

The beginning??

My (maternal) grandma was the ultimate grandma during my childhood. She let me paint her finger nails and try on her jewelry. She taught me how to make snickerdoodles and sun tea. She was passionate and hard working. She loved me. She loved us. Our whole family. Everything seemed perfect. But then my dad passed away and my uncle got divorced. Her family was crumbling.

She loved my dad like her own son. She took it extremelly hard. And rather than having her be our crutch to lean on, she became extremely depressed herself. The very sight of me and my brothers was too painful for her. She slowly started distancing herself. To the point that she didn't even come to my wedding and only has met my boys a handful of times.

My poor mom. She tried. She really did. But nothing she nor anyone else did would get my grandma out of the depression. My dad died when I was 9. I am now 23 years old. Over half my life I have not had "that" grandma. I have had the grandma that really isn't apart of my life. Not even at holidays. My memories of her are a little vague. My mom however, remembers the 'old' her. And tries to hold onto the memory as much as possible.

Fast forward.

The past two months my grandma has been in and out of the hospital. She has cirrhois of the liver. A cancer that is usally due to alcoholism. However, the poor woman has never had a drink in her life. It was from the arthritis medication she had been taking for years. She has had bleeding, a broken pelvis, and other complications in such a short time.

When my mom called me and told me that the outcome wasn't looking too good, I came up to the hospital to visit my grandma and more so, to be support for my  mom. She looked like an old helpless lady in a little ball on the hospital bed. THIS was not the grandma I had in my memory. This poor woman was dying :(

I let go. I let go of all the emotions of her not being apart of my life for all those years. She was never vicious or meaning to be hurtful. She was hurting herself and just shut us out. It wasn't our fault nor hers. And in that moment, I realized this for the first time.

Last week my mom, Logan, and I went to visit her again. It was AMAZING. My heart was so full of love and so sad at the same time. It was like the 'old' grandma. We talked and laughed. We watched the soaps and grandma told us which actors she thought were smokin. She doted over Logan and made him grin ear to ear. She said if she wasn't laid up in that hospital bed she would steal Luke & Logan. They were too sweet. It was soooo nice. Just like it used to be. But at the same time it was sad. Very sad, because I am not being naive about the situation. I know her time here is very short and I just got a glimpse of the grandma I could possibly have back.

When I left, I told her I loved her. And you know what she said? I love you too. I can't tell you the last time we exchanged words like that. Maybe...14 years?

Fast forward.

I get a text from my mom yesterday "mom had a stroke"

I immediately called her, obviously! There was so much pain in her voice. Grandma didn't even recognize her. Her own daughter. Doesn't know who she is. Can you imagine? Your mom not even knowing who you were?! Ugh, breaks my heart. Sometimes life just plain out sucks.

After talking to my mom today, there still isn't much hope of her 'healing'. Apparently the medicine that they give you for the stroke she can't take because of her other health issues. Mom wants me to get some pictures together in hopes that if she looks at them enough maybe, just maybe she'll start to remember.

Why am I sharing this very personal story with you?

Because I don't want you to wait to make things right with someone. Whether it is your parents, child, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, cousin, grandparents, friend, or enemy. It will eat you up. Especially if something happens to that other person. Love with all of your heart. It will still be rough, but it will give you peace.

I am so thankful I had that "moment" last week with her. And I would like to stay optimistic that we might have another moment like that in the future. But if not, I will hold on to that memory of her forever and not the past .